Aphasia (Without Utterance)

-The loss of a previously held ability to speak or understand spoken or written language, due to disease or injury of the brain.

   "It's like trying to take care of a drunk person."

   That's what my dad said about her.  I don't know how it happened, or what it really was.

   She usually just slept a lot.  I'd come home, hear an inquisitive hello, and have a quick visit before getting sucked into whatever it was I'd do on a given day.  I'd end up having one head phone in, with another out, so that I'd be able to respond as if in conversation, but still able to do what I really wanted, listen to music.
   She pointed at the ceiling one day and tried to say to turn off or on the fan or light, but it didn't come out that way.  My guess is that her brain to mouth skills didn't work as well anymore.  But she was going to the doctor that day, so I figured things would be all right.
   Maybe the doctor didn't notice the error in her speech cognition, but she came back with no news.
   The next few days were the worst.  All she did was sleep.  I'm sure she had headaches - she always has headaches.  She had to have been extremely hungry.  She had been throwing up after every ingestion for a while, so she quit eating.  He rare speech became slurred, along with being like someone with a split-brain trying to relay a message from one side to the other.
  We'd get her to drink pills every few hours, hoping they'd help, every time afraid we'd choke her with the water.  Her mouth stayed open to help her breath, for a few days.  My throat hurts after one night of sleeping like that.  I can only imagine 3 days.
   Sometimes she'd wiggle around, slightly adjusting her position on the bed.  She'd seem conscious if we bothered her enough, but that's what it felt like, bothering.

   It ended a month before her birthday.

   I feel like I should focus on the good things.  I should remember her, cherishing the good times, and laughing at the bad ones, regardless of the sadness I've felt from some of them.  They're all good now.  I should be happy that every pain she's had for so long is over.  I want to believe that the day of one's death is better than the day of one's birth.  I want to.  I do.
  I want to think of my future mother-in-law.  I'd like to appreciate her.  I want her to have a happy Mother's Day.
   But this Mother's Day,
   I'd like to stay home.  I'd like to be alone.  I'd like to not talk, or even think about things.

The Brightest

   And it was the brightest rainbow I've ever seen.
   It was given to me in my darkest.
   Thank You for this reminder, Love.
   For this comfort.
   For perfection.

   And I will establish my covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.

   And God said, this is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:

   I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.

   And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud:

   And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.

   And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth

   And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth.

Teeny Heart

"My heart's (way) too small; please let me use, let me have, Yours."

   It's hard.  Hard to do things we don't want to.  Hard to be extremely uncomfortable.  Hard to go against our preferred ways.  Hard to break the molds of our personalities.  Hard to deny ourselves.  Hard to carry our burdens.  Hard to carry our crosses.

   It seems impossible to me.  I just can't do it.  I'm unable, incapable.

   I want to bear my cross.  Help me to.  I need You.  Only You.

  I was at church last night, and while the last song played, I dwelt in His Spirit, I think.

By the cross You, beckon me
Draw me gently, to my knees
I'm lost for words so, lost in love
Sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

   The rest of the night, verses felt so meaningful to me.  Like they are speaking to me, meant for me.  : )

Ephesians 6:10-12
10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. 11 Put on the whole armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.  12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

3 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh:  4 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)  5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ

(The next one's from morning time : p)

Galatians 6:3-5
3 For if a man think himself to be something, when  he is nothing, he deceives himself.  4 But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.  5 For every man shall bear his own burden.

   And the last verses shared last night, were from Daniel, chapter 10.  It was amazing.  I'd read that same thing maybe a week ago in the same room.  : )

   Digressssss.  The verses I've posted were/are comforting.  Troubles I have are not against people, but against powers.  Very, very, good to remember.  For my own health especially.  "Every man shall bear his own burden."  It sounds a bit tough, hard to take.  "Aren't we to bear each others' burdens?"  Yes.  But we will bear our own as well.  We shouldn't run from it, we shouldn't ignore it, fly away from it.  And we do have help from others.  But, from Jesus especially.  He even says so.  He'll take our heavy, impossible burdens, and give us his light, easy(Somehow easy and light.  I guess because He's still doing the work) burden, or yoke.

   When Jesus took his cross, physically.(He did it every single moment metaphorically)  It hurt him, tremendously.  The pain was sooo much.  But even with that, it had the beautiful, perfect outcome.  Everybody, everyybody, is able to come to God.  We're all invited.

   What unaware beauty may come from my cross?

Let's teach our children to use the bow(Oh, that I had wings like a dove!)

   Reading, reading, reading.
The Bible has tons of good stuff in it.
It is good stuff.
It's God's word.

   Life seems to become complicated at times.
But regardless of how my life seems to me.
God is constantly good.  He doesn't stop.  He doesn't change.

   I read this this morning.
The verse about a friend came to my mind just a few days ago.
I didn't know where it was from.
Then today, I read this, and as I read it, I knew it was meant for me.

   It was during a time of sharing, and I really, really didn't want to share.
I thought to myself, I shouldn't share this, it might not be good.
Then I thought, "What am I thinking?  Of course it's good; it's Bible."
But I was too afraid.  It was too personal to me.  I didn't want to reveal my feelings.

   But I should.  It's so useful.  To let others in.
It's so terrifying though.

Psalms 55

   Give ear to my prayer, O God; and hide not yourself from my supplication
~Attend unto me, and hear me; I mourn in my complaint, and make a noise;
Because of the voice of the enemy, because of the oppression of the wicked; for they cast iniquity upon me, and in wrath they hate me
~My heart is sore pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me.
Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror has overwhelmed me.
~And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove!  For the I would fly away, and be at rest
~Lo, then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness.               Selah.
I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.
Destroy, O Lord, and divide their tongues: for I have seen violence and strife in the city.
Day and night they go about it upon the walls thereof: mischief also and sorrow are in the midst of it.
Wickedness is in the midst thereof: deceit and guile depart not from her streets.
~For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself aganst me; then I would have hid myself from him:
~But it was you, a man my equal, my guide/companion, and my acquaintance.
~We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company.
Let death seize upon them, and let them go down quick into Sheol: for wickedness is in their dwellings, and among them.
As for me, I will call upon God; and the Lord shall save me.
Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice.
He has delivered my soul in peace from the battle that was against me: for there were many against me.
God shall hear, and afflict them, even he that abides of old.     Selah.     Because they have no changes, therefore they fear not God.
He has put forth his hands against such as be at peace with him: he has broken his covenant.
~The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart: his words were softer than oil, yet were they drawn swords.
Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain you: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.

I added tildes for fun in there.  Those spots stick out to me.

The way I feel. 1/3

I get this feeling.

   That thing I feel as I frantically rearrange chairs more comfortably just before you arrive.  The same thing that comes over me as 8 o'clock nears and goes, after I've given you my message.  How it feels as you pay attention to the things I say; to the motions my face makes as I listen and respond.  It comes when you remember my likes and dislikes.  It's present when you wake up just to tell me goodbye; to see me out.  I feel it when you hurt because of my pain.  I know it when you give up your sleep, to make sure I'm aware of happy prayers.  It's there when you beckon me with your hand, inviting me for your embrace.  It's so present when you understand me; even when you try to understand me.  I experience it when you come to my defense, when you pray for me, with me.  It overcomes me when you spring up, to give such encouraging hugs.  I notice it when I see the compassion you have for the people around you, and when you help others with understanding.  I'm aware of it when you share what's inside of your heart; the bits you like, along with the ones you don't.  I'm sure of it when you put your desires, your comforts, aside, to make sure we're with God.  I see it when our eyes meet to silently explain our feelings.

I believe this feeling is a part of love.
I have love for you.
I love you.

But,
All of these things,
Our God feels for me,
Much, much, more-so.
He gains so much more joy when I initiate intimate touch with Him.
When I listen to what He feels.
When I consider His feelings, and try to understand.
When I want to listen to what He says.
When I wake up just to tell Him good morning, just to talk to Him, just to let Him know I care, just to hear.
His love is complete; it's perfect.
He longs for me.
He longs for me to long for Him.

He's teaching me.
Through the feelings he's given me for you.
He's teaching me of Himself.
Love

Choice, 3/3

You love me so much, you let me choose.

   It's something that's been coming to me lately.

   I've heard it said, that we, people, aren't like puppets, with little pull-strings.  Strings made for tugging, to make us say, "I love you."

   God doesn't want an automated response from us.  If He did, He would have made us those puppets.  As mindless machines.

   But, what He does want, is for us to choose.  He wants us to decide to love Him.  He wants our freely given, not forcefully taken, love.

   Love isn't something someone can take, but something someone has to give.  He wants us to desire Him, but He's so kind, that he let's us choose to, or not to.

   He loves me so much, that He let's me pick.  I can have what I want.  But He longs for me to make the right choice.  He wants to lead me, He wants to help me, but I need to actually look to Him for that help.  If I don't, He will let me go my own way.

Draft After Draft

   Just posting the video or some lyrics on Facebook didn't seem like they'd be enough.
Thinking of the pain of all of Jesus's life helps with my perspective.
I really don't have it that badly.
Not even semi-close.

This is a song by My Epic.

Look
He's covered in dirt
The blood of his mother
Has mixed with the earth
And she's just a child
Who's throbbing in pain
From the terror of birth
By the light of a cave

Now they've laid that small baby
Where creatures come eat
Like a meal for the swine
Who have no clue that he
Is still holding together
The world that they see
They don't know
Just how low
He has to go

Lower still

Look
Now He's kneeling
He's washing their feet
Though they're all filthy
Fishermen, traitors, and thieves
Now He's pouring his heart out
And they're fallin' asleep
But he has to go lower still

There is greater love to show
Hands to the plow
Further down now
Blood must flow

All these steps are personal
All His shame is ransom
Oh do you see
Do you see
Just how low He has come
Do you see it now
No one takes from Him
What He freely gives away

Beat in his face
Tear the skin off his back
Lower still
Lower still
Strip off his clothes
Make him crawl through the streets
Lower still, lower still
Hang him like meat
On a criminal's tree
Lower still, lower still
Bury his corpse in the earth
Like a seed
Like a seed
Like a seed
Lower still, lower still
Lower still, lower still

The earth explodes
She cannot hold him
And all therein is placed beneath Him
And death itself
No longer reigns
It cannot keep the ones
He gave Himself to save
And as the universe shatters
The darkness dissolves
He alone will be honored
We will bathe in His splendor
As all heads bow
Lower still
All heads bow
Lower still